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duration=1h 28 Min
reviews=NOUSHA HASSANI wants to marry the perfect Persian husband for her perfect Persian family. But her plans are derailed when she falls in love with ALEX TALBOT, an eccentric artist. When her traditional Muslim parents discover the two living together as domestic partners, they insist they officially get married. Nousha reluctantly agrees and the TALBOTS and the HASSANIS come together for a big Persian wedding. Over the course of one weekend, buried family wounds come rocketing to the surface, disaster ensues, and the couples relationship is tested
I am a Muslim and seeing this beautiful Christian wedding ceremony made me cry because they have such love for each other and they have strong faith in what they believe in. They got my respect! What a wonderful couple and such love between them. May God almighty bless them both. I bought my wedding dress and Im not engaged yet, too! Its stunning! It looks incredibly expensive and it was only 250, custom made to fit me. Its by LaceBridal on Etsy if anyones interested. Full movie a simple wedding rings. Full movie a simple wedding song. Hi didi apni kemon acho. I know that it's another rom-com but why the hell did I get an add for tall girl. Full movie a simple wedding ring. Full movie a simple wedding cake.
Full movie a simple wedding party. John wick: And that's how I met my wife. Full movie a simple wedding bands. I loves ur video mam... Your skin is so shinny and glowing... Bedroom goals❤️. The way he talked about her in the beginning 😢❤️. Full movie a simple wedding gift. Full movie a simple wedding dress. I mean the whole plot is known in the trailer. Yes,the timing is exactly why I want to see that movie now, love trumps everything else.
We called her Spacegirl. Her real name was Megan Daniels, but nobody actually called her that. She’d been Spacegirl since Grade 2. She was the kind of kid who stuck out in the crowd with her long red hair, ghostly pale skin and coke bottle glasses. For as long as I’d known her, Spacegirl had been quiet. She didn’t like to be around us. She didn’t play with us when we were kids, she didn’t even talk much. Most of the time, she’d find somewhere to sit, far away from everyone else. Then she’d open up her little notebook and scribble inside of it. Sometimes she wrote poems, sometimes she drew. But she was always off on her own little world. Nowadays, I understand why we targeted her. She was different, and she was alone. That doesn’t justify any of it, but kids can be cruel. I remember that it was Sasha Brown who told me that Spacegirl was retarded because her Mother was on drugs. She probably just made that up. But we all believed it. She had always been the worst towards Spacegirl, and she kept that up until the end. It all started in Grade 5 when Sasha took her notebook. It had been raining that day, so we’d had an indoor recess. Spacegirl sat in the corner at her desk, eyes focused on her notebook as she methodically worked on a drawing. Sasha and I had been sitting nearby at our desks, and we simply just watched her do her thing. “I can’t believe they let that retard sit in with us. ” Sasha murmured, “Look at her… Why do they even let them in schools? They aren’t gonna learn anything. ” “Better than leaving her at home with her crackhead Mom. ” Said Tanya Evrett. She and I weren’t exactly friends, but she sat close to Sasha and I. “My Dad says he sees a different car in front of her house every day. He says that she lets boys come and they pay her so they can have S-E-X. ” None of us could actually say the dreaded S word at the time. Sex was still a terrible unknown thing, and we all had been raised to believe that nobody decent would ever do it. Spacegirl paused, and her eyes darted away from her book, to look at us. I can only imagine she’d heard us. Sasha just stared right back at her. “What? Do you have a problem, Spacegirl? ” She asked. The Teacher was out of earshot, and that gave her carte blanche to say whatever she wanted. Spacegirl didn’t respond. She just looked back down at her notebook, but Sasha had been challenged (or at least she thought she’d been). She looked over to the Teachers desk to make sure she was busy, then she got up and moved closer to Spacegirl. “What are you even doing in there, retard? ” She’d reached out to snatch the book before Spacegirl could stop her. “What even is this? A Unicorn? What are you, five? ” She handed the book to me, and I took it on instinct. There was a brightly colored drawing of a Unicorn inside. The artwork was actually pretty nice, but I would never have said so. The book was passed on to Tanya next, and Spacegirl could only look at us helplessly. “Wow. You can’t even draw. Look at this? ” She tore the page out of the notebook, and Spacegirl let out a startled whimper, as if she’d been struck. The picture was crumpled up and the book was thrown on the floor by Spacegirls desk. “Draw something that isn’t trash next time. ” Tanya said, and Sasha just giggled as if it was anything other than being mean spirited just for the sake of it. Spacegirl slowly picked her book up off the floor, avoiding eye contact as Tanya and Sasha turned away from her. I continued to stare. I remember that the way she moved was so defeated, as if she were shrinking in on herself. She looked up at me, but only for a moment and I felt bad for her. I really did. But I didn’t do anything about it. I just left her to rejoin the others. After that, Spacegirl became an easy target for Sasha and Tanya. Every chance they got, they’d harass her and I regret to admit that I was usually right there with them. During the days where we could go outside for recess, Spacegirl would always sit beneath the same tree, always working in her notebook. When she did, we would always lean on the trunk and look down over Spacegirls shoulder. “Wow, that’s really good, Spacegirl. ” Was how most of her comments would start, “Did you mean to draw it like it got hit by a truck, or is that just your style? ” There was never a compliment. She would always find something to needle. “Can you draw me? ” Sasha asked once, “I heard that retards were always like, art geniuses or something. Maybe it’ll even look like a person! ” Spacegirl didn’t look up at her. She seemed to be trying not to acknowledge the insults. I won’t pretend like I was blameless either. I never stopped them, and there were plenty of times where I was right there, making fun of her because that was what we did, and we weren’t the only ones. More or less everyone hurt her in some way or another. But she never complained. I think she was too scared to. It was late December in 7th grade where things got even worse. I don’t know all the details, and I don’t know just for how long things had been boiling over, but I’d heard a rumor that James Hardy had it out for Spacegirl. James had only been in my class a few times, and he wasn’t in my class that year. He was a small, mousy looking kid who was convinced he was the world's toughest gangster. The rumors said that someone had seen his Dad going into Spacegirls house. Naturally there had been speculation that they'd been having sex. Someone told me that James’ parents had been divorcing because of it. Somehow all of these rumors had mutated into claims that James and Spacegirl were dating and I think that was what had rubbed him the wrong way. We were coming in from recess when some boys decided to pull a little prank on James. The whole prank had been set up by Brian Jordan and his brother Mike. They had some mistletoe for the Holiday season, and had set it up in the hall leading back to our classroom. Mike had grabbed Spacegirl during recess and were holding her behind the door where the mistletoe was. When James walked through, they pushed her at him and snapped a picture. I’d been just behind James when it happened. I watched as Spacegirl came flying out of seemingly nowhere, eyes wide and afraid, then slammed into James. They both hit the ground, and I could hear the other boys laughing. “LOOK! She wanted to give you a kiss! ” One the boys said. Spacegirl was trying to crawl away from James and pick up her notebook, but somebody had kicked it out of sight. I remember that she looked back towards James, and there were tears in her eyes. She must have been terrified with everything that was going on. She clearly hadn’t wanted any part in this, but there she was at the center of it. “You fucking faggot assholes! ” James yelled as he picked himself up. “Hey, she just wanted to give you a smooch! ” aughed Brian, “Come on, give her a kiss! ” Someone pushed Spacegirl towards James, and he glared at her as if all of this was her fault. She tried to stand and run, but he was angry and he wasn’t thinking straight. I watched as he grabbed her and hit her. A square punch to the jaw. Then he tossed her to the ground and went after Brian next. A teacher had to get in to pull James off of him. He, Spacegirl and the Jordan Brothers ended up getting suspended right before the Christmas holidays. We didn’t see Spacegirl until January… we didn’t see James or his friends ever again. On Christmas Eve, there was a car accident on the highway outside of my town. Supposedly it had swerved off the road to avoid an animal of some kind, and gone into a ditch. Mike, Brian and their parents didn’t survive. On December 27th, James was killed while outside shoveling his driveway. My Parents told me that he’d been attacked by an animal. Probably a deer or something. But that seemed so unusual… I’d never heard anything about deer attacking people before. Especially not in my area. I went over to Sasha’s house on the day before New Years. We’d both gotten some gift cards for Christmas and we were planning to walk to the mall together to use them. Her parents weren’t home, they both had to work. So it was just us when I got there. “Hey! Kept me waiting! ” She said when I knocked on the door. “Sorry. ” “It’s fine. I’ll be ready in a bit. Come on upstairs, I wanna show you something! ” I didn’t question what it was. I figured it was just something else she’d gotten for Christmas, so I went upstairs with her. “You’re gonna love it. ” She promised me, “It’s gonna be so funny…” She led me to her bedroom, and as soon as she opened the door, I spotted a familiar notebook on her desk. “Where did you get this? ” I asked, walking closer to it. “Spacegirl dropped it when Brian and his Brother pulled that prank the other day, she dropped it. I may have grabbed it… Y’know. Just for safekeeping. ” She cracked a wry grin, before opening the notebook. “Look at this… She’s been drawing the same damn Unicorns forever. She didn’t even finish this one! ” She paused at one small picture that was labeled ‘The Unicorn Prince’. It depicted an empty field with a blank space where the titular Prince should have been. Sasha flipped through the pages a little more until she got to the newer ones. “I figured since they kicked Spacegirl out for a little while, and her Mom is too poor to get her anything for the holidays, I’d step up! What do you think? ” Sasha wasn’t anywhere near as good of an artist as Spacegirl was, but the simple detail in what she had drawn turned my stomach. In her first picture, Spacegirl was hanging from a rope. Her tongue was hanging out, and her eyes were closed. In the second one, Spacegirl had a gun in her mouth. In the third one, she was standing on the edge of a building. Sasha giggled as I flipped through her crude depictions of suicide. There were pages of them. “What do you think? ” She asked with a grin, “I’ll bet she’ll lose her shit! ” I closed the notebook and looked over at Sasha. “A-are you out of your mind? ” I asked. Sasha’s grin faded. “What do you mean? ” “You stole her notebook, just so you could draw these? Sasha, that’s really messed up! ” “It’s Spacegirl, who the hell cares about Spacegirl, Jane? ” “You just… drew her killing herself over and over again! ” I took the book off her desk, “Do you not understand what’s wrong with that? ” Sasha just stared at me like I was crazy. “Fine. Sue me for trying to be funny. ” Sasha said, “Just give it here…” She outstretched a hand to take the notebook, but I pulled back from her. “No. You’re just going to put something else in there. ” Anger flared in Sasha’s eyes. “Jane, just give me the book. ” “No! ” I opened the book, and I started to tear out those pages of Spacegirls suicide. Sasha lunged for me, trying to grab at the book and stop me, but pushed her back. I didn’t mean to push so hard, but I did and she fell, landing hard on the ground. For a moment, Sasha looked up at me, wide eyed and shocked. I don’t think anyone had laid a hand on her like that before. Then I saw something in her eyes… Not just anger. Something worse. It was the same thing that had prompted her to draw those horrible pictures of Spacegirl. I turned and I ran, bolting down her stairs and out her front door, back into the snow. I clutched Spacegirls notebook to my chest the entire time and I didn’t let it go until I got home. I spent the rest of the Christmas break terrified that my parents would get a call from Sasha’s. I’d pushed her, and that seemed like such a big deal at the time. In hindsight, I doubt Sasha would have told her parents what had happened. They would have asked why I’d pushed her, and I would have told them about the notebook. On some level, she must have known that what she’d done was wrong. She was a cruel person, but there was a limit. Part of me hoped that she’d realize that I was right and we could patch things up when School started again, but honestly I wasn’t so sure. I remember looking through Spacegirls drawings. The ones that she’d done. I remembered the ones I’d made fun of the most. There was one with a mermaid on a rock, combing her hair. Her eyes were closed in a relaxed bliss. I remembered saying how stupid her facial expression had looked, but honestly, I kinda liked it. I flipped through the pages some more, through Unicorns, Fairies and Castles. But I paused at the page depicting the Unicorn Prince. Back at Sasha’s place, it had been blank, but at my house it was finished. The Unicorn Prince stood proudly in his field, looking skywards with his horn proudly displayed. Maybe I had been thinking of a different picture? I brushed it off and flipped to the back where Sasha’s pictures were. One by one, I started tearing them out of the notebook and tossing them in the trash. It was a waste of paper, but I refused to give it back to Spacegirl with those images still in it. On the first day back to school, I was up early. I made sure the notebook was packed into my bag and was out as early as I could be. The snow on the ground was almost pristine as I walked to school, but I remember seeing some tracks on my lawn, headed down the side of my house. Deep U shaped indents that looked like they’d been made by hooves. A deer perhaps? I didn’t dwell on them and made my way down the freshly shoveled sidewalk and back to school. I wasn’t entirely sure if Spacegirl would be back yet, but she was. She was alone in the classroom, sitting at her desk and drawing in a brand new notebook. She paused briefly when I walked in to join her, and I could see her sideying me. She didn’t say a word as I drew nearer, but I thought I saw her shoulders tense up ever so slightly. “Hey. ” I said, “I’m… I hope you had a nice Holiday. ” She didn’t respond. “I’m sorry about what happened the other day. I didn’t know anything about it, but it just seemed really mean spirited. ” Still no answer. I reached into my backpack, taking out her old notebook. I put it on her desk in front of her. She stared at it, still silent, then back at me. “Sasha took it. I was over at her house the other day and she showed it to me. I had to take some pages out, but she drew some really awful things in there. I didn’t think it would be right to give it back with those things in there…” I paused, feeling smaller as Spacegirl stared at me. She didn’t seem angry or thankful. She didn’t seem anything at all. Just stoic. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t all that great to you before. ” I said, and then I shuffled off to by desk. Spacegirl waited until I sat down before she opened her notebook and inspected it. Then she closed her new book, and started something new on a fresh page in her old one. It wasn’t much. But it made me feel at least a little good for what I’d done. When Sasha got in, she didn’t talk to me. She didn’t even look at me. Neither did Tanya or any of our other mutual friends. I knew from the moment they walked in that I’d burned my bridges with them. But I still wanted to try. The Teacher hadn’t come in yet, so I figured it might be worth it to try and talk to Sasha. I got up to move closer to her and she gave me a look of utter disgust. “What do you want? ” She spat. Now it was my turn to be silent. “Fuck off and leave us alone. ” Tanya said, “You’d obviously rather hang out with the fucking retard than us, and I really don’t want you spreading your retard germs to us. It’s a quarantine issue. ” I stared at both of them, and I could’ve sworn I knew how Spacegirl felt… What was I supposed to say to any of that? Instead, I just returned to my desk without a word. Spacegirl stared at me the entire time. Her pencil rested over her notebook, but she didn’t write anything. She set it down, tore out the page she’d been writing on and jammed it into her pocket. I later saw her toss it into the trash during lunch. I didn’t really have anyone left… So I thought that maybe it might be a good idea to pull it out. Maybe it was something she wasn’t happy with? I’d never seen her throw a drawing out before. I was thinking that maybe I could use it as a peace offering of sorts, or something along those lines. When I saw what she’d written on it, I almost threw it back into the trash. Your Words There is a land where your sorry may go. A sickening land where it always snows The snow is putrid in color and smell It's substance- filth and things I won't tell. Only your Father has been there before. One day your boyfriend will visit once more. This place in your carcass this humanoid hell. Your sorry can go there to this hole in your shell My unsubtle message, this subtextual jazz. Is take your apology and stuff it up your ass. This was unlike anything I’d ever seen her write. It was so crass and spiteful… This was as close to hatred as she could have gotten. I understood why she’d thrown it out. It didn’t fit with everything else she’d done. Those things had been beautiful, despite what people had said to her. This was angry and ugly… This was something she’d written for me. I put it in my pocket. I wasn’t going to give it back to her, but I wanted to keep it. I wanted to remember the way I’d made her feel. Eighth grade wasn’t fun for me. I had very few friends left, and Sasha never forgave me for turning on her. Her version of the story was slowly warped as time went on. First I’d punched her and stolen the book. Then I’d tried to kiss her, punched her when she’d refused, then stole the book to try and get her in trouble. Rumors of me being a dyke spread pretty quickly, and hot on their heels came the rumors that I was dating Spacegirl. I tried not to let them bother me too much. I knew the truth and at the end of the day, I’d done the right thing. By the time High School rolled around, I was hoping for a fresh start. There were new faces, and I figured I could make friends with them before Sashas rumors spread. I had a bit of success in that department. I fell in with a better crowd at least. Sasha stuck with her same old clique. It grew ever so slightly, but she was determined to live out the movie Mean Girls and most people didn’t pay her any mind. Spacegirl barely changed at all. I didn’t see her much when High School started. She was in a few of my classes, but I rarely saw her outside of them. Whenever she had a moment, she’d be in the library, usually in one of the corner cubicles, working on her drawings. Sometimes I thought about talking to her and trying to strike up a friendship… but it never felt right. Sasha’s bullying never let up of course. Of course she stalked Spacegirl to the library where she’d pull the same old shit she’d been pulling since the fifth grade. She’d leer over her cubicle and comment on her drawings. Picking them apart just like she always had. I stopped her whenever I saw it… but I didn’t always see it. “Coming to her rescue again, huh Jane? ” Sasha asked once when I’d interrupted her. Tanya leered at me from behind her, chewing gum with her mouth open. “What’s she ever done to you anyways? ” I asked, “She’s just minding her own business. ” “Oh? What’s she done to you, dyke? ” Sasha hissed. She leaned down over her cubicle and looked down at the notebook. “Unicorns… Unicorns, unicorns, fucking unicorns… When are you going to grow up Spacegirl? ” “Hey! I told you to stop. ” I rounded the cubicle and I saw Sasha recoil. For a moment, I saw a bit of fear in her eyes. It vanished quickly and was replaced with a familiar rage. ” She said, “Tan, let’s leave the happy couple to their alone time. ” She pulled away from the cubicle and disappeared with Tanya nipping at her heels like a faithful terrier. Spacegirl remained hunched over her notebook, her long red hair spilling over her shoulders. She seemed impossibly still. I turned to leave her when I heard: “Thanks. ” I looked back at her and saw that she was looking at me. “Um… You’re welcome. ” I said, “Let me know if she bothers you again, alright? ” “I will. But… you’re usually there anyways. ” Her voice was soft and low. I’d heard it before, but I don’t remember her ever speaking directly to me. “Yeah, well. It’s just not right. She’s such a child. One of these days she’s going to have to grow up. ” Spacegirl just nodded, looking over towards the library door, then back down at her notebook again. For a moment, I thought about asking her about what she was drawing. I thought about saying something else, but… No. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I left her alone again. In tenth grade, I took art as an elective. I wasn’t much of an artist, but I figured it would be an easy course. To the surprise of no one, Spacegirl was there. I actually asked her to work with me on a few group projects. I think the prospect of being asked to work together was foreign to her. She looked at me suspiciously when I did it, but when she smiled, it was the biggest smile I’d ever seen. I went to her house for the first time to work on a portrait project with her once. We were supposed to take turns drawing portraits of each other and I’d volunteered to let her draw me first. Rumors of her Mother had always surrounded Spacegirl, so I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect when I got there. I certainly wasn’t expecting the quiet, neatly kept house that I found. The Woman who answered the door looked like an older version of her daughter, sans the coke bottle glasses. “You must be Jane. ” She said. She wasn’t smiling, but she didn’t sound upset either. “Yes ma’am…” “Come on in. Megan's upstairs. She was just getting ready for you. ” The house was warm with plenty of knick knacks on the walls. Plates and porcelain dolls mostly. Her Mom sent me upstairs and I didn't waste any time. On the landing leading up to Spacegirls room, I could see a mural of family photos and paused to look at them. I could recognize Spacegirl and her Mother in most of them. Spacegirl never seemed to be smiling. I only saw her Father in a few of the very early pictures. Spacegirl looked like she was only a young child in the few pictures I saw him in though. I didn’t dwell for long and headed towards what I assumed was her room. The cardboard stars and planets on it gave it away. Sure enough, she was inside waiting for me. She sat facing the door behind an easel in the center of her room. Her bed was neatly made and tucked away in the corner. She had a clean little desk that she’d clearly been working on and had set a chair out for me to sit on. I hadn’t expected something so overwhelmingly formal and I almost started laughing… But then I noticed her walls. They weren’t just covered in drawings. The art pieces on them were full on paintings. They were the same fantasy depictions she usually did, but the colors were so vivid. The clouds looked like fluffy pillows and the castles seemed great and infinite. “Holy shit, are these yours? ” “They are. ” Spacegirl said softly. She stood up and took the plate of cookies from me, then moved it to her desk. “It… it’s soothing. ” She said after a while, “Painting, I mean. I pick the drawings I like the most and… I finish them. ” She spoke slowly, like she was carefully choosing her words. I almost felt like there was something that she was trying to avoid. I spotted a painting on the floor that looked like her Father. The style was the same but the content was different. He was surrounded by awkward scribbles, and he looked completely and utterly terrified. Spacegirl looked down at it, but she seemed to disapprove of it. She turned it around so I wouldn’t have to look at it. “We should get started. ” She said, “Sorry…” “No, it’s alright! ” I said. I sat in the chair for her. “I’d like to hear about it. ” Spacegirl watched me from the corner of her eye for a moment, as if she doubted I was being serious. But eventually she sat down behind the easel and started to draw… Soon after that, she was talking too. I stayed long after she’d gotten what she needed for her sketch, just to talk. She told me that she’d always liked fantasy, and how she liked Unicorns because they were simple but pretty. I hung on to every word, and I could’ve sworn I saw her smiling shyly as she talked. The portrait she’d done of me was something else entirely. Her work had always been beautiful… but this made me look transcendent. I wasn’t entirely sure that I was looking at myself at first. There was something about the look on my face. There was a small, almost content smile there. The warmth it conveyed was almost disney-esque. “I love it. ” I told her, “That’s incredible Spa… Megan… That’s really great! ” “You can call me Spacegirl if you want. ” She said, “I don’t mind the nickname… Not as much as I mind the people at least. ” My awe quickly turned to shame, but Spacegirl didn’t look upset… She just stared at me blankly like she so often did. No… not blankly. Her face might not have conveyed much emotion, but there was definitely some emotion there. “I wish… I wish I’d been nicer to you, when we were younger. ” I said. “Is that why you’re here right now? ” Spacegirl asked. “No! I… I’m here for the assignment. I mean… the art assignment. The portraits…” She continued to stare. “Did you pick me because you felt bad for me? ” She asked. “No! I just thought it would be cool to work with you. ” Spacegirl didn't react for a moment, but then she just nodded. “Okay. ” Her flat tone made it hard to know what she meant by that. She stood up and walked over to the portrait. “Mom can drive you home if you need a ride. I opened my mouth to say something else. I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t know I offended her? Had I said something wrong? “Alright. Thanks. ” It was the only thing I could think of. “See you tomorrow. ” With that, I left her. I was almost afraid to see Spacegirl the next morning. I drifted through my classes that day until I reached art… and when I did, I wasn’t expecting what I saw. She had clearly been up late… but what she’d brought in stole my breath away. It was my portrait, but she’d done more with it than I thought possible. She’d painted over the sketch, turning me into something beautiful. Flowers bloomed around my brown hair and a crown of daisies, lilies and chrysanthemums adorned my head. The colors were so vivid, and I looked so at peace in it. Spacegirl was looking right at me as I came in, as if she was gauging my reaction. But all I could do was stare wide eyed and in awe. When I looked back at Spacegirl, she was smiling at me. Her project single handedly netted us an A on the project and got the privilege of being hung up outside of the art classroom. Of course I told her how much I loved it, and I remember the way she smiled when I did. I remember thinking that it was the cutest smile I'd ever seen. My portrait was up for barely even a day before Sasha had to make a comment. I’d been on my lunch, and had just gotten some fries from the cafeteria when she and Tanya ambushed me. “Where’s your flower crown, dyke. ” Sasha said, “Leave me alone. ” I said, brushing past them, but Sasha was out for blood. “I always knew you were a little dyke. But now you’ve posted solid proof of it! We’ve gone and cracked the case, haven’t we? So what happened? Did you go to her house and lick her retarded little snatch? You must be a real good dyke because she went and drew that for you! ” I tried to walk away from her, but Sasha and Tanya just kept following me. “What’s wrong? Am I not pretty enough for you Dyke? ” She snapped at me. “Maybe she only fucks retarded girls. ” Tanya said, “I’ll bet Spacegirl squealed like a pig when she came. ” I stopped dead in my tracks, and I heard Sasha stop behind me. I don’t know what it was about what she’d said that pissed me off so much. But those two had finally struck a nerve. I spun around, swinging my lunch tray as hard as I could. Fries were scattered everywhere, but although I was aiming for Tanya, I hit Sasha. She went down hard, and I’m not sure if she was even still conscious when she hit the ground. Tanya was on me in an instant. She slammed me back against a wall, and kept me pinned. She had size and strength on me, and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop her. Several other students grabbed at us. A teacher finally got involved and all three of us got escorted to see the Principal. As we left the cafeteria, I saw Spacegirl in one of the halls, just staring at me. Naturally I got a three day suspension, but Tanya and Sasha were fine. Both of them said they’d just been walking and I attacked unprovoked. It was their word against mine. Sasha had a familiar shit eating grin on as she left the office with only a bruise on her forehead to show for her troubles, but there was a familiar look in her eyes. That same anger I’d seen last time I’d laid a hand on her… and something about it scared me. When I came back to school, I realized that I had every reason to be afraid. My portrait was missing. I wondered if they’d taken it down because I’d attacked Sasha, but the truth was a lot worse. “Someone took it. ” Spacegirl said. She was sitting in her usual spot in the library when I found her, sketching flowers in her notebook. “When? ” “The day after you hit Sasha… I don’t think anyone’s found it yet. ” She didn’t look up at me. Just stayed focused on her art. She didn’t need to say it for me to know who she blamed. Who else would it be? I had half a mind to confront Sasha about it, but I didn’t know if that would be a good idea or not. Sasha could easily just cry wolf. I wouldn’t put it past her. In the end, it didn't matter. By the time I was headed to art class, the painting was back. But there had been some modifications made to it. The words: Retard Fucking Dyke Had been painted across my portrait in bright red. I saw it from down the hall and could see some other students whispering amongst themselves beneath it. I didn’t know what to say or do… But this felt like too much. The picture was taken down quickly… but the damage was done. Sasha had gotten her revenge, and it didn’t stop with just the painting. Spacegirl looked different than when I’d seen her in the library. She seemed uneasy, and her eyes were red like she’d been crying. “I’m sorry about the painting…” I said softly. She looked at me, before sighing. “I knew she’d do something like that…” She said, “I’m so used to it by now, that it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m sorry she wrote those things about you, though. ” “But you worked hard on that. ” I said, “I’d be upset too. ” She just shook her head. “That’s not it. She reached into her pocket, pulling out a crumpled up piece of paper then slid it over to me. Slowly I uncrumpled the paper, and my eyes widened as I recognized what was on it. It wasn’t the same drawing… but it was close enough. It was a depiction of Spacegirl hanging herself, and me beside her. A caption read ‘ Retard Dyke Wedding’. “There were so many in my locker…” Spacegirl said. “This is what she drew in your notebook… when I returned it to you… This is what I had to take out. ” Spacegirl looked down at the picture again, before averting her eyes. She didn’t pay much attention during class. Instead of taking notes, she sketched in her notebook. I looked over a few times to see her drawing another Unicorn. This one seemed so similar to the one I’d seen before. She must not have been quite happy with it though… When I looked back at her notebook, the Unicorn wasn’t there anymore. She must have just erased it… but it seemed so clean. Like it hadn’t been erased at all. Tanya was following me on my walk home that evening. I didn’t know what she had in mind, but I didn’t want to put up with it. When I was in the middle of a small walking path that cut behind some of the houses on my street, I stopped and looked at Tanya as she kept approaching. “What do you want? ” I asked. “It’s a surprise. ” She said, “Sasha and I just want you to know how much we love Dykes in this town… Oops, I’ve said too much. ” I wanted to hit her. Dear God I just wanted to hit her, but we both knew she could overpower me. Whatever Tanya had in mind… it wasn’t anything good. She drew closer to me, unafraid of anything I’d do. “Come on, Dyke. Go home. “Let’s go check out your surprise. ” In a sudden horrible moment, I realized that Tanya was threatening me. I also realized that I couldn’t outrun her… I couldn’t fight her off. I didn’t really have much of a choice but to do as she asked. Slowly, I turned and walked towards my house, with Tanya at my heels. It wasn’t far, and up ahead I could see Sasha sitting on a park bench. From a distance, I recognized the red gas can beside her, and I stopped dead in my tracks. Tanya seized me by the arm and pulled me towards the bench. Sasha just watched with a wide, manic grin. “Hey Jane. ” She said, “How’s it going? ” “What the fuck is this?! ” “Just wanted to chat. ” Sasha said with a cold chuckle, “You think you can get away with pulling the shit you did the other day. No. You’ve been treating me like garbage for years, and for what? Because of Spacegirl? You know who you’re fucking choosing, right? Right? God… I hate that retard girl. But you know what? I hate you even more. Acting like you’re better than me just because you feel bad for her. ” “You’re crazy. ” Sasha just laughed. “I’m not the one who clocked someone with a fucking tray just for a little bit of teasing. You’re absolutely fucking psycho! ” On the bench behind her, I saw the portrait that Spacegirl had painted of me. Sasha picked it up and tossed it in front of me, then picked up the gas can and dumped it onto the canvas. “You wanna be a Dyke, I don’t care. But I’m not letting you and your retarded whore put your shit up! So say goodbye to your little project, slut! ” Sasha reached into her pocket and took out a book of matches. Her grin widened, before suddenly vanishing outright as she looked at something behind us. “What the hell? ” Tanya said, and I craned my neck to try and see what they were seeing. As for believing it… that was another story entirely. Standing on the path behind us was a Unicorn… but the way it looked was all wrong. This was nothing like a regular horse. Its body was plain white and almost textureless save for the many thin blue lines that ran along its body. It looked like it had been cut out from a sheet of lined paper but… that was impossible… It had to be impossible. Neatly done grey lines defined the shape of the horse. In fact, the lines reminded me of the ones Spacegirl used. This Unicorn looked like it had walked out of one of her notebooks! Tanya let me go and stumbled back a few steps, wide eyed as she stared at the advancing Unicorn. It let out an angry noise before charging straight for Tanya. She panicked and tried to run. In her desperation to escape, she bolted down the path. But she couldn’t outrun the paper Unicorn. It lowered its head as it drew nearer to her, and in one swift movement, the horn pierced Tanya’s back, impaling her straight through the chest. She screamed as she was hoisted off the ground and the Unicorn circled back to fix Sasha in a murderous glare. Tanya looked down at the massive spike sticking out of her, her eyes clearly wide with horror and her body twitching its last spasms as the life quickly drained from her. The Unicorn lowered its head to let her slide off of its horn and she hit the ground in a bundle of limbs. Sasha and I stared in silent horror as the Unicorn reared up on its hind legs and brought its hooves down upon Tanya’s body. She didn’t scream. She didn’t fight. She simply lay there as she was trampled again and again. I can only hope she died quickly. Sasha dropped the unlit match and took a slow, terrified step back before toppling over. I stumbled back and looked down to see the portrait of me at her feet. But it had changed. That beautifully painted version of me was now leaning out of the canvas, invading the real world and clutching Sasha’s leg tightly. Still with that look of contentment on her face, I watched as the Painted Me slowly slipped back into her panting, and she took Sasha’s leg with her. “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! ” Sasha desperately swatted at the Painted Me, but she couldn’t overpower it. She couldn’t escape. Her nails tried to dig into the pavement as she was slowly dragged into the canvas. She looked at me in horror, silently begging for help but all I could do was stare back at her in silence. “JANE! JANE HELP! PLEASE! PLEASE! " The hands of the Painted Me reached up, seizing Sasha by the hair and forcing her down into the canvas. It was like watching something pull her underwater. One minute she was there, the next she was gone. I stood silent in the park, staring at the painting, then at the paper Unicorn. The Unicorn huffed before retreating off into the woods and then I was alone. Slowly, I approached the painting and I looked down at it. It had changed and now it depicted Sasha, her mouth open in a horrified final scream. After some hesitation, I picked up the painting. I could return it to Spacegirl in the morning. They chalked Tanya’s death up to an animal attack, and nobody ever found Sasha. I never asked Spacegirl about what I saw. I don’t think even she knew the answer, although she certainly knew much more than I did. High School was ten years ago though, and I’ve chosen not to remember as much as I can. I’ve got my own life to live now and I try not to ask so many questions. Sometimes I see paintings move, but I don’t bother with a second glance and I never ask my wife about them. She doesn’t like to talk about it and I won’t ever force her. The painting of Sasha hangs in her studio at home, right beside the painting of her Father. Sometimes I look at it and I wonder if maybe things could have been different… but I don’t feel too guilty about it. I wouldn’t feel too guilty if I heard another story about a suspicious trampling or animal attack either but to my knowledge, there’s been nothing of the sort. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. I do my best to make sure nobody hurts my beautiful Spacegirl.
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Section One: Assets and Debt Retirement Balance: $60, 000 in an account that I inherited. This account was at 53, 000 when I got it in 2017. I was not expecting to get this money and honestly was frozen with fear about misspending the money that my frugal blue collar grandparents had scrimped away, so I’ve let it sit. I plan on meeting with my financial advisor to move some of the 20, 000 in cash in the account into stocks. $15, 000 in a Roth IRA I contributed a total of 8, 500 from 2012-2014. Since I do not earn money in the States I cannot contribute to this at the moment. High Interest Savings Account Balance: $30, 000. I pay off my credit card every month with this money. I transfer money here from my checking account using transferwise anytime my checking is over 5, 000 Euros (about twice a year). Checking account balance: $2, 000 (1, 800 Euros) I just transferred 5, 000 Euros to my savings last week. Credit card debt: None, I pay for most travel with a card and pay off the balance each month. Student loan debt: $0 I owed about $18, 000 for a B. A. in education (private school with merit scholarships and help from a college fund my grandparents set up when I was born), paid off about $5, 000, then went to a state school to get more certification and ended that with $15, 000 total. I paid off about $5, 000 of that before I received the inheritance that allowed me to eliminate the rest of the debt…kinda awesome, but I would much rather have those people around and still be chipping away at it by myself. Section Two: Income Main Job Monthly Take Home: 1x month (the norm in Austria): $1, 710 (1, 542 Euros) I have a special contract, which means I have much less legal protection at my job and I get paid less…it’s really a win/win situation! I also get paid about 11 Euros a morning for supervising kids in before school care from 7:15-7:45, which I do twice a week. Usually it’s an extra 80 Euro a month, which is awesome and then half of it disappears to deductions, but I’m fine with supporting the safety nets provided here. I get paid time and a half 4 times a year so on normal months I make this much and in months like November (in prep for Christmas, very thoughtful actually) I get pay and a half. Most workers here essentially get paid for 14 months. Side Gig Monthly Take Home Tutoring: $66 (60 Euros) I tutored a lot while studying here, and gradually have tapered it off. The only reason I’m tutoring at all anymore is because this is my 3rd year with this family and I don’t have to do any prep at all! I only charge 20 Euros an hour because they are a friend of a friend, but if I were to pick up new clients (which I am super not interested in doing) I would charge significantly more. Miscellaneous: I didn’t know exactly where to put this, but my husband and I keep our finances mostly separate, we take turns paying for outings and I pay for travel on my credit card and then don’t pay him rent until the cost is evened out. It’s not very complicated and it works for us. He makes 60, 000 Euros per year. I’m interested in how people live differently in various countries and the cost of things around the world so I’ve tried to include some of those tidbits even if they did not directly relate to the cost of things or my partner paid for them. Section Three: Expenses Rent: $443 (400 Euros) of a total $909 (820 Euros) for our 580 square foot apt 1 bed/1bath in an inner district. Rents are rising here, but historically they have been very reasonable. We slightly overpay, but the location is great and moving is a pain in the ass. Transportation: $401 (365 Euros) a year for public transportation. Vienna public transit is amazing and I love not having a car! 66 euros for a train discount card, basically cuts the price of any train ticket on the state-funded railway in half. Austria is right in the middle of a bunch of countries and this ticket pays for itself in 1 international trip. Health Insurance: $173 (161 Euros) Although every working person has health insurance here, when I got my original visa I was a student and needed private health insurance in order to fulfil one of the requirements. I can only cancel after 3 full years, which will be up this summer. I can’t wait. Renters / home insurance: My partner pays for this 90 euros a year though Investment contribution: We’ve been dragging our feet about getting a financial advisor, but I’m not looking forward to the challenge of finding one who will be able to navigate our tri-country issues. Donations: If I run into a good cause, I’ll try to donate. I’ve been donating to One Simple Wish (they fulfil wishes from kids in foster care in the States) and an organization which helps homeless people in Vienna. Probably evens out to 20 Euro a month. Electric: Husband pays about $38 (35 Euros) per month Wifi: Husband pays about $38 (35 Euros) per month Cellphone: $18 (16 Euros) per month Credit Card Fee: $80 per year. I get travel credit of $150 about twice a year so it pays for itself. Library Card: $33 (30 Euros) a year. I could get a free teacher’s one, but then I would only be allowed to check out children’s books on it. Subscriptions: $15 digital subscription to the New York Times (I really need to see if I can change it to an educator account, I tried before, but I just got a school e-mail account a month ago… as in no teachers had one until a month ago. Some things are really backward here). Museum Pass: $49 (44 Euros) for the year. We get into 7 museums with this and it pays itself off in just 3 visits. This expires in Feb and we have no plans to renew immediately. CSA: $277 (250 Euros) for the winter subscription 25 Euro per biweekly pickup. We also did the summer subscription which was the same price. Teacher’s College: $425 (385 Euros) per semester. EU members only have to pay about 17 Euros per semester as a student fee, but as someone from a 3rd party country I pay more. As an American, I ain’t bothered, but it does make me giggle sometimes to see how disgruntled people are when they learn I have to pay ‘so much’. I am working towards getting my teaching degree recognized in Austria, which means that I have to take classes at the Teacher’s College here. Elementary school teachers here can teach gym and arts and crafts and basic wood shop and since these were not required in the States 95% of the classes I’m taking are related to those subjects. After I get my degree officially recognized I will make about 300 Euros more per month for doing exactly the same job. I will also have more rights, for example a permanent contract after 3 years instead of 10 and I will have job protection if I decide to have a baby (up to 3 years of maternity leave with job protection). Day 1 Wednesday 6:09am Out of bed 2 minutes before my alarm goes off. I don’t like it, but I like to get up if I’m awake. I feel like death, but I’m hoping food will help…I have to wait until I’m at school though because I give myself just under 20 minutes to get out the door on Wednesday and Thursday. I pick out my outfit and prep my lunch the night before to help the morning process flow. I pre-make my breakfast for the week on Sunday and Wed-Fri I heat it up in the microwave at school and eat it while on the move supervising kids or prepping for class. I throw on my clothes in the dark so as not to wake my husband, whom I’ll refer to as S., brush my teeth, put on The Ordinary Vitamin C and then my store brand moisturizer with SPF 30. I also throw the laundry into the machine so S. can hang it up and it can dry during the day. Like most apartment dwellers in Austria we have a washer, but no dryer. I usually don’t put on make-up or do my hair fancy on Wed or Thurs because I have before school care those days and have to be in school by 7:15. 6:27am This is the ideal time (actually a minute early! ) to leave to make sure I catch the subway I want. They are spaced 6 mins apart this time of morning, which believe it or not, is a long time. Public transportation here is amazing and so reliable. Last school year there were only two disruptions which almost made me late. I am paranoid about being late though so I leave so that I can miss the first one and still be there with 5 minutes to spare. This school year I decided to try to avoid sitting on the subway half-listening to podcasts and mindlessly scrolling on my phone, so I try to have a subway read with. This morning its Bill Bryson’s Mother Tongue, a Christmas gift from my brother-in-law. I still listen to podcast while I walk though and this morning I go with What a Day from the previous day since the new one comes out at about 10am my time. 7:05am Make it to school, heat up my egg-cup (see Sunday) in the microwave, grab the stuff I need and greet the kids at 7:15. 1:10pm Kids are released. This is a half-day school. The kids have a maximum of 5 lessons a day from 8-1pm. Some days they get done at 12. Most go straight into after school care, which is in the same building, and have lunch and homework time and after school activities there. I try to organize and grade and get myself ready for tomorrow. 2:40pm Normally I would go for a run and then shower at school in a private teacher’s shower, but I don’t wanna push it and make myself feel worse. It’s sunny and a balmy 7 C here so I decided to walk to a different subway stop to get more fresh air. I have never done this before and when I get bored on the way and just want to get home, I realize why. 3:30pm Get in the door, don’t take my jacket or shoes off to keep the momentum going and grab my library books to return. Back with 6 new books 3 German and 3 English. I used to be really strict with myself and only let myself read German books, but recently I’ve let up. Chill at home, drink a Yorkshire tea, tidy up, work on college stuff and eat half a bowl of Spanish rice that S. made the day before. I get an e-mail that I got a 1 (Austrian grades are 1-5 with one being the best and 5 being a fail) in wood shop. I’m excited mostly because it means I can finally throw away a pile of stuff I’ve been saving just in case. It’s all over the living room. When 5:40pm rolls around I whine and bitch, but nevertheless get myself ready for my gym class tonight. I never thought I’d be getting on a balance beam, learning to juggle, or hop over a pummel horse to get paid more, but here I am. This is the last time I have this class because next week I will be skipping for S. ’s birthday and I am so fucking excited to be done with this. The semester ends at the end of the month and next semester should be my last. 8:40pm Finally get done, throw my jacket over my leggings, I’ll shower as soon as I get home, and walk to the subway listening to The Baby-sitters Club Club one of my current favorite comedy podcasts. Subway read this evening is Complete Collections of Short Stories by Roald Dahl from the library. I have been on a Dahl kick recently and recommend him to anyone into dark humor. His adult fiction is delightfully dark and twisted. 9:45 pm Get home, do a quick body shower (I only wash my hair like once a month, so practically all my showers are just body showers), and eat the other half of the bowl of Spanish rice. It’s getting late, but I want to watch something so S and I pick a short show, Medical Police, and then proceed to watch two episodes. Oh well. 10:45 pm Go to bed. Asleep by 11:15. Daily Total 0 Day 2 Thursday 6:11am - up and at ‘em. Same routine as yesterday. Listen to an old favorite, Savage Lovecast, on the way to and read more Dahl. 10:05am I work at two schools and change between them 3 days a week. It kinda sucks, to be honest, but it won’t be forever so I deal with it. I furiously try to grade some quizzes, but only have time to do half before I have to powerwalk to the subway and go from one school to the other. I read Dahl in the subway again. I will have to come in early to finish grading tomorrow morning because I don’t want to carry 12 books in the subway and then home and then back again. I get about 1 Euro back after deductions for each trip between schools when I submit them at the end of the month. Sometimes I really wonder if it’s worth the money, especially because the system where we have to submit them is so finicky, but I feel entitled to at least a little something to make up for the annoyingness of traveling. My second school for today is an all-day school, meaning the kids are there from 8-3:30, they have lunch at school and usually have at least one free time hour and one study hall hour per day. Literally half of the class is sick so it’s eerily empty. We do what we can with only half the kids. The kids have a lunch hour in-between my lessons. I eat (more Spanish rice and raw veggies I prepped the night before) and plan. I’m done at 2. 2:15pm I like to run to clear my head, but I’m making myself sit this one out again. I am feeling slightly better but my right nostril is running like crazy so one body part running is enough for today. I stop at the drugstore to pick up mouthwash, toothpaste, cough drops, and q-tips. I spend 3 minutes mentally debating whether to buy the special greenwashed compostable q-tips or the other paper ones in a not environmentally-friendly packaging. It’s a 30c difference so I say fuck it and tell myself that maybe my purchase will make a difference by telling the corporations that people like environmentally conscious shit. I also need face cream, but they don’t have the kind I like. I almost buy something similar, but then decide I’ll go to a bigger location this weekend to look more. $8. 03 (7. 30 Euro) 3:00 I noticed when I got home that my husband didn’t wear his winter boots, which need new soles today. We’re heading to my hometown in the States in a week and a half and it is cold and snowy there so I decided to sweep up his boots and take them to a shoe repair shop. They are all over and strangely combined with locksmith services here. Is this a thing elsewhere? The first shoemaker’s shop is closed due to family issues. I find out through a sign on the door, which seems to be the Austrian small business’ preferred method of communication anytime they are on break. 3:15pm I decide to make a stop at Hofer, the name for Aldi in Austria. They are the cheapest grocery store and my favorite, so even though it is farther than some other stores, I’ll happily walk the extra few blocks. There are so many grocery stores here that I pass 4 other stores to get there. I go to a different Hofer than usual and get cheddar and eggs for us and candy for our friends and family in the States. I’ve got a list of things to bring there and a list of things to bring back. I really like lists. $14. 27 (12. 97 Euro) I give 50c to the guy selling charity newspapers outside of the shop. I don’t always give the sellers money, but I do try to do it if I’m in either a really good mood to spread the joy or a really bad mood to selfishly make myself feel better. I usually give 1 or 2 E, but I only had 50c today. $. 55 (. 50 Euro) 3:30pm Different shoemaker/locksmith, this one is actually closer to our apartment. The shoemaker only takes cash (common here) so I go around the corner to the ATM and withdraw 100 E (no fees on bank ATMs here) and pay him 75E. It’s pricey, but the old soles are pretty bad so he needs complete replacements. I decide this will be part of my husband’s birthday gift next week. I know it sounds lame, but I think he will appreciate it $82. 51 (75 Euro) 3:45pm I’m home for good, the pants are off. I put away the clothes from the drying rack, but leave the clothes I’ve had laying on top of the clothes rack thingie for the past week and a half. I work on some stuff for college and type this up. Then I read some New York Times This is my first evening this week with no extracurricular so I am so excited to veg out with S. It’s what we do best. 7:45pm Well I got caught up in a New York Times hole and suddenly its 7pm. I do a quick workout on youtube I like doing the H20 series on days when I want to move, but also stay inside. I follow it up with a free plank training app that I got a few weeks ago and will surely delete in a few more. I put on Trixie and Katja’s new Netflix watch series on Youtube (what a time we live in) and have to pause the app multiple times to crack up and to disguise the fact that planking is hard and I can’t do it for a minute straight. And now the vegging can begin. We watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and the first episode of the new season of Grace and Frankie. After going back and forth with myself in my head, I crack one of the bags of candy open. Haribo Pico-Balla got me. I also split a bag of Werther’s Original Popcorn, an impulse buy from Hofer from last weekend. It is so good, but thankfully the bag is small. Asleep by 11pm. Daily Total $105. 36 (96. 27 Euro) Day 3 Friday 6:32am Grateful for the extra 20 minutes of sleep today, but I really should have gotten up earlier to take care of that leftover grading from yesterday. 2pm Done teaching. Today was one of those days where I just felt like a terrible teacher. Nothing really egregious happened, I just felt like I’m not teaching these kids enough (Que How do I reach these kids in Cartman’s voice) and wishing I had more patience (I don’t think the amount of patience I wish I had is even humanly possible). Days like these happen to teachers, they don’t happen to me too much, thankfully, but I know to just get through the day and get myself home. 3:30pm I watch an episode of Die Welle/We are the Wave. I really like it and the soundtrack has been inspiring me to listen to more German rock. Go for a run to try to clear my head. Listen to This American Life, one of my favorite podcasts, it does seem to help. 6pm My friend comes over, I am feeling so antisocial, but I was a hermit all January and managed to avoid everyone outside of work and school so I’m trying to come out of my shell again slowly, but surely. We chat and watch music videos on youtube. 9pm Friend leaves. I am happy to just veg with S and watch Cheer, the new Grace and Frankie and fall asleep watching Medical Police. I love falling asleep in front of the TV. I don’t love it when I have to go to bed though. I barely brush my teeth, mostly because I devoured more Haribo tonight and I don’t wash my face, but do put Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery on top of whatever filth has been building all day. In bed by 11:30. Daily Total: 0 Day 4 Saturday 8am I’m up, but stay in bed reading on my phone and cuddling instead of working on my college stuff, like I had intended. 10am Actually out of bed and working on summing up a scientific text, it’s doubly boring because it’s in German. 11:30am Head out with S to go grocery shopping. I’ve got my list, I feel ready. Notice our next-door neighbors are moving out, I’m sad because we just started leaving packages with each other. Oh city life. We stop at the drugstore and I find my face cream and with SPF 30. I don’t know why, but this country of pale people seems a bit slow to get on the SPF train. It is hard to find anything over SPF 15. My pasty-ass is so happy to have found this. It’s one Euro more for the SPF 30 than the SPF 15, but it’s still so cheap. I buy two, because who knows if I’ll ever be able to find it again. $6. 49 (5. 90 Euro) At Hofer we get flour, cheddar (because it won’t go bad and it never hurts to have more cheese), milk, cucumber, zucchini, radishes, tomatoes, bananas, cookies, and an eggplant. I wanted cauliflower, my favorite vegetable, but they only have them wrapped and I try to avoid unnecessary plastic. I’m not militant about it, but I want to lower my own impact at least. S pays but it was 10. 56 Euros. We have a deal where he pays and I pack. Packing groceries can be stressful with no space at the end of the conveyer belt and speedy checkers. And we forgot to get toilet paper- it wasn’t on my list. We still have one more roll which will last us until our trip, but I wanted to get more, especially since we get back on a Sunday and nothing is open then. 4pm I get to work sewing a zip-up bag for my co-worker. Her birthday was on Friday, but there wasn’t time to celebrate then, so Monday will do. I made her a rice heat pack last week because she had shoulder issues before Christmas. This bag will be an emergency puke kit because we had a student get sick on a field trip earlier this year and it was only through pure luck that either of us had a plastic bag. The kit will have plastic gloves, a bag, and band aids. 5pm S runs to get more lasagne sheets from the store before they close. Most stores close at 5 or 6 on Saturdays and are not open at all on Sunday. I used to find it annoying, but now I enjoy the break it gives us, not to mention all of the workers. What it does mean is that you have to plan ahead. 6pm Still working on this bag. Watching and reading tutorials. What is zipper foot and do I really need one? When I pull out my sewing machine instructions and look at the contents page I see in my own handwriting “I don’t have this? ” Sabotaged by myself. My sewing machine was bought second hand on willhaben, a craigslist equivalent, and apparently this was the only piece that was missing. I endeavour to continue on without it and after multiple mishaps and cursing myself for trying homemade gifts I have a bag, which I don’t love, but also am not completely disgusted by. Objectively I think it looks fine. 9pm The living room/kitchen is way too messy and it’s stressing me out (something that does not happen easily when it comes to clutter). I pack away all of my sewing stuff and put it in the corner where it is stored, wipe down our dining table/my desk/my sewing area and ditch some of the old college stuff from classes I finished this semester. Cheer is on in the background and afterwards I put on Shrek for a comfort movie to fall asleep to. Daily Total $6. 49 Day 5 Sunday 7:15am It’s not light out, yet somehow I’m up. I love getting up early on the weekend to get shit done. I thank yesterday me for tiding up the work area, it looks so welcoming. I put on the kettle for some tea, make some oatmeal with frozen mixed berries, flaxseeds and chia seeds on top and get to work on college stuff. I text S to text me when he’s up and wants cuddles. 8:15am S texts me so I happily oblige. End up lying in bed with him for almost 2 hours. Worth it. After a 4 sneeze in-a-row-streak in bed I text the tutoring family to let them know I will not be coming today. I could probably realistically go and do it, but I don’t wanna get my germs all over their apartment. 10am Back to the grind, my head is kinda loopy and in the interest of saving my nose from constant wiping, I’m just letting it drip onto the table in front of me and then wiping that up occasionally. It is working surprisingly well, and I don’t know whether I’m more proud or disgusted with myself. I have gone through all of our fabric tissues (a cut up cotton tank top) for the first time since I made them 2 years ago. 12pm I cancel plans to meet up with a friend. He sweetly asks if I need anything and I am so touched that he even asked. Note to self: always ask sick friends if I can get them anything. I also mentally cancel my plans to make cookies for my co-worker’s birthday. Nobody wants germy cookies. I’ll make them later in the week. 1pm Time to grade some writing and work on giving the 3rd graders grades for the semester. This is really hard, but I’m trying to be tougher this semester to encourage them to step it up for the next one. Secondary schools only see the grades at the end of 3rd grade. 2pm My co-teacher calls to discuss grades, perfect timing as I’m right in the middle of it. We both agree that we are going to grade harder this semester and that we are slightly scared of the parent’s reactions. Here kids go into ‘lower secondary school’ after 4th grade and the selective schools look back to the grades they get at the end of 3rd grade so the end of the year grades are the ones that count. My head is a mess so I spend the afternoon making egg cups ( it’s roughly this idea) and a salad (gotta use up the lettuce from our CSA pickup last week). Good thing I bought that cheddar yesterday because the old one is out! Never can have too much cheese! I also do a load of laundry at 60 C to kill germs. All of the tissues and our towels go in. S whips up some spicy pumpkin soup with some frozen pumpkin puree and veggies. I’m excited to have room in our tiny freezer again. Our fridge is a large version of the dorm fridges people have in the States and the freezer is very small. 8:30pm We take a bath together. It’s just nice to sit and chat. 9:45pm My mom messages for our weekly chat. I almost forgot, but remembered at about 9, but was feeling a bit salty because I always have to message her first and she is not the easiest person to get a hold of. We talk for a little bit, but I’ll see her in less than a week so it’s mostly just about logistics of us getting in. Daily Total: $0 Day 6 Monday 6:48am I start at my closer school on Monday and Tuesday so I get to sleep in a bit, but I put my alarm an extra 15 minutes late because I was feeling gross last night. 7:45am I have coatroom duty on Monday and Tuesdays. Kids leave their jackets and street shoes in the coatroom and put on slippers to wear in the school. It means that the schools stay much cleaner, most teachers have school shoes too (I have a pair at each school, a pair of ballet flats at one and Birkenstock clogs at the other…my first pair of Birkenstocks, a clear step towards becoming my mother). I say good morning to every child who enters the room and about 60% reply, a big improvement over the beginning of the year. I don’t mind this job because I get a chance to interact with kids who aren’t in my class and some of them are so sweet and speak in an adorable mix of English and German with me. 10am Switch schools, eat a banana on the way to the subway. I realize I am really not feeling great so I contemplate skipping my class tonight at the teacher’s college. I haven’t missed a class yet, but I am such a nerd and I feel guilty skipping even when I really am sick. I call S. to get his reassurance and he reminds me that I wouldn’t consider skipping if I was feeling ok. It’s decided. I also cancel a dinner date that I had with a friend. He is super understanding (he’s a teacher too and knows how sickness is just a side effect of the job). 12pm The class celebrates my co-worker’s birthday. She likes the gifts I made her. We get along really well so we are both thankful for each other. 1pm Kids leave, my co-worker walks the kids out the door, we shake hands with each child at the end of the day and I usually take them on Monday and Wednesday (the days I end at this school), but she could see how miserable I was and so she took the class. Little things like that make the difference. 2pm I’m home and working on grades for my 2nd graders. These grades are much easier; the level of work they’re doing is much lower. Kids typically don’t learn to read until 1st grade here and in the program I work in we teach first language reading and writing in 1st grade and then add the second language (English or German, depending on the group) in 2nd grade. The German group has just started reading and writing in English, but they are doing really well. 4pm Netflix time. And Netflix isn’t working. I fiddle the cords going into the router and it works. I am a technology goddess. Finish Die Welle. S. comes home and he half-watches the end of Cheer with me and we watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I love this show so I’m re-watching (we only have up to season 3 of Netflix here and I’m too lazy to torrent it so I still haven’t seen season 4) and S is watching for the first time. 6pm I am too tried to even think about dinner. goes out to pick up sushi. We have never gotten delivery in Vienna, not even before we knew each other. For me it’s more nerve wrecking dealing with delivery people than it is to pick stuff up or get something easy from the grocery store. We pick up sushi probably once every other month, usually to battle Sunday scaries. S pay, but it is less than 11 Euros for my basic mix of 6 salmon, 6 cucumber, and 6 avocado makis and S’s 12 piece tuna and salmon sushi and maki. 9pm Decide to read in bed for a bit with S. Asleep around 10:30. Daily Total: $0 Day 7 Tuesday 6:32am I have to be out the door right on time today because I have a parent-teacher-student conference at 7:30. There was a snafu about conferences this semester. The school board changed hands and titles a year and a half ago and everything is kind of a mess and no one really knows what is going on. All the directives they send out are very vague. We had parent- teacher conferences in November, but now our principal decided we should do parent- teacher-student conferences as well just in case. All of our conferences were scheduled for last week, but then half of the class was sick so we are doing make-up meetings today. 7:15am At school with enough time to sort myself out before the meeting. Luckily I'm feeling much better today. 7:45am Meeting done and I’m on coatroom duty again. I have a conversation about Brexit with a 4th grader I’ve never seen before. He’s worried about his friends; I feel his pain. S is Scottish and I can work here only because we are married so I am a family member of an EU citizen. Luckily, S’s mom a citizen of anther EU country and as it turns out, so is he. He is in the process of getting a passport from that country. This has saved me a lot of worrying. I wasn’t expecting such a deep conversation with a child before 8am, but here we are. 8-3:30 I teach 5 hours total today and have 3 planning periods. I spend all 3 free hours grading, planning, making copies and I try to organize my room. I share both of my classrooms, which can be tricky. Especially at the all day school, where space is really at a premium. I only have 2 free hours when the classroom is free and it’s always in use after school on the days I end here so things can get away from me in terms of sloppiness. I am constantly dragging stuff back and forth from school to school and my rooms are never as organized as they could be. 3:45pm Parent-teacher- student conferences until 4:30. The parents that we work with are great. Due to the program I teach in, the parents are really invested in school, which has advantages and disadvantages, but I’ve never had any major issues with parents. *Crosses fingers that it stays that way after grades this semester. * 4:45pm Stop at Hofer to pick up a few things. I talk with S on the phone to figure out dinner. We are both beat, but I know we have a ton of potatoes from the CSA and S makes amazing mashed potatoes, which are probably my all-time favorite food, so I pick up some sausage for bangers and mash. I spend way too much time (1 minute probably) deciding whether to get the new organic sausages or not. S and I really cut back on cooking meat in the last few years. We probably cook with it once a month. I get Käsekrainer, cheese filled sausages, but I decide to try a chicken version. I’ve started to feel really guilty about eating pork because of how intelligent pigs are, but chickens don’t bother me a bit. I also get bread (I’ll slice and freeze it so I can make sandwiches for lunch. This will take up half of the freezer), bananas, and more candy to replace what I ate for friends in the States. 94 (8. 13 Euros) 5:15pm Drop the groceries at home and head straight to a fancy liquor store for a nice bottle of whiskey. I check my old phone for the notes I took about what kinds of whiskey S wants and then take note of what we already have. 5:30pm The sales lady helps me pick out a good one, I think (S later heartily approves). I purchase it and rush home to beat S there. $66 (60 Euros) 6pm S makes dinner while I submit some work for college. Only one more class to go this semester! I also donate to Moms 4 Housing. I had the tab open since Sunday and finally got around to it. $21. 01 8pm I hide away in the bedroom to wrap up S’s presents and finish the handmade card. S always makes me a hilarious inside jokey card for my birthday so I try to reciprocate. 9pm The only New Year’s resolution I made this year was no screen time one day a week with S. This year we picked Tuesday. We tried this in 2019 and lasted a month and a half, but if at first you don’t succeed… We’re at it again. We try to play a Sherlock Holmes board game, that S’s dad got us 1. 5 years ago. We tried it over a year ago and gave up, but we’re back at it. I like board and card games, S does not. This game is such a slog, there is a map and a directory of people and places, and the interview booklet. We both do ridiculous accents and change key words to make things funny and it’s still soo boring. I doubt we’re ever going to find out who killed the munitions magnate and to be honest I don’t care. Put Courtney Allen’s murder in cold cases and let the dust settle. 10:30pm After the night-time routine I plan to read my book in bed, but end up on buzzfeed on my phone (the no screen thing is going really well, thanks for asking). I doze off to that nonsense. Daily Total: $95. 95 Weekly Totals Food + Drink: $21. 67 Fun / Entertainment: $148. 51 Home + Health:$14. 52 Clothes + Beauty: $0 Transport: $0 Other: $21. 56 Weekly Total: $206. 26 Reflection: I barely interacted with anyone outside of work, so this was a pretty typical week for me. I pack my lunch every day and S and I eat out probably once a month so we save a lot of money that way. I was in the middle of a dry January, which did lower my total, but I’ve never been a huge spender even when I did go out more often. S and I do typically go out for a beer probably every other week. I did spend a lot for S’s birthday, but he is an amazing partner so I enjoy treating him. On the whole, this week was pretty typical. Some weeks are simply more expensive than others. I would say I usually spend about 500 Euros per month, but then some months we travel a lot so it all evens out. One thing I did not anticipate from this diary, was the annoying running commentary I had going on in my head. I really hope it cuts out soon!
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Full Movie A Simple weddings. I've probably watched over 1000 wedding videos & this is hands down the most beautiful one I've ever seen. According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118, 000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...... 9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference? " How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that..... of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. I gotta say something. She saved my life. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz? " No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey. " You pick it up. - That's very funny. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I..... you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon? " Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience. " Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down!.. hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home, " without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little..... I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non? " Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name!... unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I.
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